Monthly Archives: September 2015

Meditation: The Gift of Life

The Primal Contradiction

It was the morning after. The life-changing ordeal I described in the chapter, And Then I Die from my book, The Primal Contradiction was over. As soon as I awakened, I couldn’t help noticing how brightly the morning sun shone through the window of my room. I remember that everything before me was utterly clear. The sensation of now gripped me—my awareness was empty.

Sunrise6I had no thoughts at all; in fact, my old ways of evaluating the world had ceased entirely. There was an attitude of newness glowing from everywhere around me. I took it all in with such a feeling of genuine gratitude that I now knew where I would be going, that I was being shown at that very moment exactly what I would need to pursue today and tomorrow. Giddy with an effervescence of energy, I had become silent for the first time in my life.

A confidence was instilled within me. The sensation of being all in one place, all at one time kept reassuring me that everything was going to be different now, that I would be rising above the seemingly unchangeable conception of my old self and saying goodbye to the mundane way of life that I had held so dear for so long. For the first time, I could afford to relax completely, knowing I would never again need to be enslaved by the interminable ways of thinking that I had known all my life.

Before that morning, I had read only a little bit about meditation. I knew what was meant by the general idea but never took any of it seriously or understood what the actual experience entailed.

Without really knowing much of anything about the discipline, I began to practice meditation. I wanted to enhance the energy bursting from within, to grow Meditaion1toward the direction I knew my life was now heading. It didn’t seem to matter where I was or what I was doing; my thoughts remained few and far between. And as my level of awareness grew, I realized that there was no longer a reason to indulge in the self-centered stream of cerebral dialogue I had known so well for such a long time. Consequently, I learned how to consciously silence my unwelcome mental ramblings whenever they occurred.

I practiced Hatha Yoga postures and exercises that I saw others performing and began to devote a significant amount of time attempting to unify body and mind, to bring about further spiritual transformation within my self. I began reading esoteric texts, those that would elicit the receptive state of mind I now wanted. Without even realizing it, the manner of thinking I had known since I was a child began to disappear from my memory. The mundaneness and boredom, which had permeated my life for as long as I could remember, became something that I no longer knew. I was set free.

Excerpt from the Chapter: And Then I Die

The Primal Contradiction

For the next several hours, everything I feared to tell anyone would be repeatedly and completely brought forth to my consciousness. I was absolutely terrified, constantly beside Child in the darkmyself with fear, knowing I would be losing control over my mind for the duration of the night. Never in my life would I know fear so intimately and be consumed by it so frequently in such a short amount of time. And after several hours of experiencing more of the same castigation that was dealt to me the night before, I became desperate to bring the ordeal to an end. I just couldn’t go on with it anymore.

Eventually, I drove back to the neighborhood where we both lived. Desperate to find a way out of my own madness, I turned the wheels of the car back and forth, driving up and down the familiar streets near my home, going nowhere in particular and not knowing what I should do. I had no idea what would be ultimately happening to me, as the sensation of falling unconscious began to rivet all of my attention. I began seeing stars in my field of vision as I felt consciousness slipping away, not from exhaustion but instead from absolute desperation. It never occurred to me that I may have actually been dying, but it quickly became imperative that I somehow stop the feeling that my life was coming to an end. I was screaming out, foaming at the mouth as I was made to remember the absolute worst image of myself that I knew; I was certain that I was on the brink of losing my mind.

Man in blacklightIt was at this point, after several hours of verbal and nonverbal bashing that Mark finally voiced one concern for me. He blurted out, “It’s okay, Danny … you just did something when you were really stoned.” In the next moment, my mind was forced to return over and over to the image of precisely what he was referring to. I had no defense whatsoever. He could see in perfect detail everything I hated about myself. After driving only a couple blocks more, I had to park the car. My vision had turned dark. I couldn’t see any longer and was becoming hyperventilated, about to lose consciousness. I pulled the car to the side of the road and stopped. The sensation of fainting continued as my awareness slipped away. I let go of the steering wheel and slumped over.

I recall losing consciousness for only a few seconds, and then gradually, I became aware of my surroundings…

The Memoir brought to print

When I began writing, I had no idea what I would ultimately be doing with my completed manuscript. I spent no time planning for the future and instead either wrote or edited whenever I could. Consequently, several months passed by before I even began to investigate what the next steps might possibly be. Somehow, I knew that I had to just keep on writing. I just kept my attention focused on the task at hand, the new manner of self-expression that I had been granted.

Agraduation-1311224pproximately thirteen years prior to beginning The Primal Contradiction, I was given the opportunity to return to school in order to finish college and obtain a bachelor’s degree. While I was there, I quickly learned that I enjoyed writing immensely and that my instructors recognized the aptitude growing within me.

Over the next few years, I spent nearly all of my days off from my current job writing papers for school, eventually earning a Bachelor of Science in Business & Management. It truly was a special time in my life that I will always treasure and never forget. But unfortunately, I was unable to transform what I had learned into any kind of meaningful purpose—not until many years later when I realized that I needed to begin the process of writing a book.

Although the ideas and memories that came to me while working on the manuscript seemed to be originating from somewhere outside of me, I readily took them in and really enjoyed transferring them to paper. It was a challenge that I never shied away from. I never lost the initial excitement that I had found when I began. I was able to write the bulk of the story down in just over four months but definitely needed to spend the following year making the whole thing more readable.

Soon, I began to inquire and then understood exactly what I would need to do with the
completed manuscript. The information I found was quite pointed—little hope, if any, was granted to the first-time-attachment-2-1240615writer. Finding someone who would consider taking on a new author was described as being nearly impossible. But I began sending letters to literary agents anyway, perhaps a hundred or more over the next few months. Not one recipient showed any interest. The majority did not reply.

I read about self-publishing and found there were other alternatives available to me, so I decided to pay for the privilege of being an author. The whole process was quite organized and completed in a timely manner. In effect, the process of having a book brought to production in this way simply entailed pre-paying for all that was provided. I was given some amount of control, and I was also quite pleased with the overall results. I never really knew how much I wanted to write a book until I was able to open up and turn the pages of my own.