Excerpt from the Chapter: And Then I Die

The Primal Contradiction

For the next several hours, everything I feared to tell anyone would be repeatedly and completely brought forth to my consciousness. I was absolutely terrified, constantly beside Child in the darkmyself with fear, knowing I would be losing control over my mind for the duration of the night. Never in my life would I know fear so intimately and be consumed by it so frequently in such a short amount of time. And after several hours of experiencing more of the same castigation that was dealt to me the night before, I became desperate to bring the ordeal to an end. I just couldn’t go on with it anymore.

Eventually, I drove back to the neighborhood where we both lived. Desperate to find a way out of my own madness, I turned the wheels of the car back and forth, driving up and down the familiar streets near my home, going nowhere in particular and not knowing what I should do. I had no idea what would be ultimately happening to me, as the sensation of falling unconscious began to rivet all of my attention. I began seeing stars in my field of vision as I felt consciousness slipping away, not from exhaustion but instead from absolute desperation. It never occurred to me that I may have actually been dying, but it quickly became imperative that I somehow stop the feeling that my life was coming to an end. I was screaming out, foaming at the mouth as I was made to remember the absolute worst image of myself that I knew; I was certain that I was on the brink of losing my mind.

Man in blacklightIt was at this point, after several hours of verbal and nonverbal bashing that Mark finally voiced one concern for me. He blurted out, “It’s okay, Danny … you just did something when you were really stoned.” In the next moment, my mind was forced to return over and over to the image of precisely what he was referring to. I had no defense whatsoever. He could see in perfect detail everything I hated about myself. After driving only a couple blocks more, I had to park the car. My vision had turned dark. I couldn’t see any longer and was becoming hyperventilated, about to lose consciousness. I pulled the car to the side of the road and stopped. The sensation of fainting continued as my awareness slipped away. I let go of the steering wheel and slumped over.

I recall losing consciousness for only a few seconds, and then gradually, I became aware of my surroundings…

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